Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Vent, Rant, Revelation, Inspiration, & Thoughts

My head is swirling. I wonder at times if I am losing it and I wonder at the same time if things are just becoming known. Sometimes I feel like I am not cut out to teach my own child, yet I know I am most qualified to do so. I am watching my youngest child mature and grow before my eyes.

Today we watched the baby the next door for awhile. I received my baby fix. I mourn for the one we don't have. I watched him with this child...as he was so good with her. Tonight out of the blue it seems, he is at the end of his 'handle it pile' and I watch him slowly melt.

He has such a good heart and watched that baby like all get out tonight. She was all over the yard and in the play area. He did so well with her. She has a fascination with the chickens...in and out of that pen...over and over again. She wanted to pet them. So, the child would take the baby - time and time again - into the chicken pen to catch a chicken to hold it still so the baby could pet it. She would giggle, leave the pen, run around the back yard, play in the play area, roam around the swing, pet the doggy, pet the cat, and repeat the chicken pen process. The child did this with her repeatedly. He was so good with her.

I miss the days of having a small child. I told him tonight they were many babies all over without mommies and brothers...he responded she had made him tired! :)

We were doing preAlgebra last night and tonight. Complex fractions combined with binomial expressions and multistep equations are beginning to take their toll on us. I do not remember this from preAlgebra. This text he uses seems to be advanced to me. Maybe it has just been a LoNg LoNg time since his mother took preAlgebra. I feel like he needs so much from me in this subject, when it really is one of his stronger ones. I told the hubby that I think we might switch gears for awhile after this chapter and do some shape lessons. I need a complex fraction equation break.

In Latin, he translated the first chapter or so of Genesis from Latin to English the other day. His original request was for me to create a course in Ecclesiastical Latin for him to take. I opted to begin with Introduction to Latin/Ecclesiastical Latin this year and start Latin I with him next year. Of course, our homeschool year is shaping up to look as though next year will begin in March (approximately). So, I am left to wonder is what he is now doing in Latin is still considered introductory...or is it more like Latin I?  Peanut gallery comments would be more than welcomed on this topic.

I am bewildered that I have all these years in the field in education and feel as though these questions are not anywhere near being answered right now?!?!?

My revelation of the week may seem strange to some...but, I am trying to put this in perspective...so, I relate it as it occurred to me. I could be totally wrong about this entire concept of where my thought ended, but I don't think so...honestly, I will never know. Here are some of the details...my great-grandmother was murdered long before I was born. The story haunted me for a long time. I think often of the path we must create for the Lord here now, to honor her life, and such. Without her, obviously the groundwork for my current generation would not exist. When she was killed, my grandfather and his brother was wounded in such a manner that by all medical knowledge of the time, they were not expected to live...but they did. Hence, here I am and my children and so forth.

The other day, I needed to drop some letters off at the post office and was in the neighboring town. I punched the post office into the GPS as the local point of interest and proceeded on my way. I did not realize until I was in close proximity to this post office where I was. The land this post office sits upon was the original homesite of my great grandparents. I have a feeling of anxiety each time I am near the locale. My skin gets goosebumps and my stomach gurgles in discomfort. My child becomes nauseous on this land.

I have known for many many years that the older house that sits catty corner to the post office is where the person who murdered her lived after his release from prison. What occurred to me the other day made me nauseous. It suddenly occurred to me as I am sitting in my SUV in the post office parking lot facing the direction of the convict's old home that his front porch is in direct line with the homestead location of her. The original place of the barn where she was killed was in his line of sight on any given day. All this man had to do was walk out onto his front porch and look upon the place of his crime. He could waltz out on his front porch and look upon the place where he destroyed a life and a family. What kind of person chooses such a location to live out his life?  I wonder if my grandfather and uncle felt the rage that I feel now knowing this?  I am not dwelling on it, but it makes me realize a spirit of mockery that resides or holds to that land. A mocking biting spirit...only a mocking, bitter, biting personality of a man could do such and then stand there to watch over it in his old age. I pity him and his life for the sorrow of never knowing true happiness.

He may have destroyed her life and broke up her family, but we bounce back. We are resilient. We are strong. We are stable. I, my cousins, our children...we are living proof of a legacy and a resilience he did not know, did not have, and did not destroy.

On another note, I have often looked at other couples my husband and I are friends with and hoped to have the kind of relationship they have one day. I have often envied some of our friends for the compatibility they exude. How often I have looked at others and wanted to grow in our relationship as a couple to get to where others are in their relationship. I have often thought of other couples as the 'model' couple. These couples seem in-sync with one another. The last few weeks have shown us that we are the couple we looked at others as being. We are the couple that is in-sync. We are the couple that is compatible. I am married to my best friend. I am married to the man the Lord chose for me. I am married to the father God chose for my son. I am married to the best stepfather the Lord could have chosen for my oldest child. We are the couple I yearned to be like. I have to look no further than next to me to see the other half of the couple I longed to be.

Final thoughts come to bring two remotely not like things together in my mind...as I miss the child I do not have, I also miss my oldest child now being an independent young man. I miss the child of his youth. I miss the brilliant young man he now is that I do not get to ever spend enough time with. On the baby, I miss the memories I will never have an opportunity to make.

Pending thoughts also reside on the two whom only the Lord knows their names. My prayers continue Lord for the daughters you will bring. Protect their virtue and hedge their hearts. Bless their families and their walk toward You. Bring them safely to their place, in Your time, in Your will, in Your way. Protect my daughters to keep them for You.

So, these are my thoughts...now my brain is a bit less jumbled and maybe I can sleep.

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